The notsogreat escape
by silvermoonsparkling
Summary: Snape and Harry get stuck in a dungeon together. And Ron and Hermione have a little miniplot of their own too :D
1. Detention

The Not-So-Great Escape  
  
Chapter 1 - Detention  
  
OK, people, this is my first ever fanfic, so sorry if it's a little rusty. OK, spoiler time... I did not create any of the characters or places used in this fic. They were all created by J. K. Rowling. Also, I wrote this before reading book five (OotP), but set in their 5th year, so don't worry if you haven't read it yet! ^________________^  
  
It was lunchtime on Friday, and Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting at the Gryffindor table eating pizza. "Oh no!" said Ron thickly, through a mouthful of cheese. "What's wrong?" asked Hermione, giving his hand a discreet squeeze under the table. "Harry forgot to go to his detention!" replied Ron. "You know, for splashing Malfoy with invisibility potion in potions last week!" Hermione laughed at the memory of Malfoy walking around with a hole in his head. "Shit!" said Harry "We've got potions next! Snape's gonna kill me!" "Ummm. skive it?" suggested Ron. "No way, that's too obvious. He'll guess in a second. I'd better turn up to the lesson."  
  
"Class dismissed!" Snape's voice rang out through the dungeon. "Except you, Potter! You can stay behind!" he snarled. "Don't bother waiting for me," said Harry gloomily "He'll keep me here all night, the mood he's in." "Okay, see you in the common room later then?" Harry nodded. He went up to Snape's desk, as Hermione and Ron left rather hurriedly. Rather more hurriedly, in Harry's opinion, than usual. He wondered why they were in such a rush. "Potter!" shouted Snape "Here! I want all these tables scrubbed spotless! Now!" he shouted, throwing a cloth and a bottle of Mrs. Skowers' all- purpose magical mess remover at Harry, who caught them and started to work, cursing Snape under his breath. He wondered, for about the hundredth time, why his dad had actually saved his life.  
  
"Ron!" shouted Hermione. "Harry's slaving away in the dungeons and all you can think about is sex!" "But Hermione..." Ron whined, wondering briefly why they were having this argument in the middle of a packed common room while everyone was staring at them. "Ooh, Hermione, are you having an affair with Harry?!" said Lavender Brown gleefully. Hermione turned round and slapped her before dragging Ron off to somewhere more private. (A/N: For the record, she was not.)  
  
About two agonising hours later, all of the desks in the dungeon were spotless and Snape had fallen asleep. Harry tried, and failed to wake him before exiting the dungeon. Or at least, tried to exit it. The door wouldn't budge. As the thought of being locked in a dungeon with Professor Snape was not his idea of fun, Harry decided not to try and wake him up until he woke up himself, by which time the door might have unlocked. Unfortunately, three hours later, Harry had done all of his homework and was so bored that he had counted all of the stones in the walls (twice) and how many times Snape snored in one minute (five times). He counted 3,792 stones and eighteen snores. He was extremely bored and was just on the point of dropping off himself when Snape woke up and swore loudly at the pool of dribble he had his arm in. Harry snapped back to full consciousness at once at the sound of a human voice. "Potter! Why didn't you wake me up?!" shouted Snape "And why haven't you left yet? It's." he consulted a large clock on the wall "Bloody Hell! It's half past eight!" "I tried, Professor, but you were fast asleep" Harry explained. "And the door is locked or something." "We'll soon see about that." grumbled Snape, who got to his feet and tried in vain to open the door. He took a key from his pocket and tried to unlock it, but the key wouldn't go in. "Peeves!" he roared "putting chewing gum in the locks again!" He let out an annoyed sort of scream/roar thing, shouting "Why?! WHY?! WHY MUST I BE LOCKED IN THE DUNGEONS OF THIS SCHOOL WITH POTTER?!!!" Harry managed to remain calm.  
  
Meanwhile, Ron was actually starting to worry about Harry. "D'you think we should go down to the dungeons and see what's happened to him?" he asked Hermione, worriedly. "Oh, so now you've decided to give a toss about your best friend!" Hermione shouted at him. "Took you long enough! Just like how it took you four years to notice I was a girl!" "That was a joke, Hermione!" Said Ron, exasperatedly. When was she going to let that drop? Hermione always argued with him more when she was stressed. "Um. maybe Snape really is keeping him there all night?" "Maybe." said Hermione. Ron noticed she had tears in her eyes. He put a comforting arm around her shoulder, and she gave a small smile.  
  
Down in the dungeons, it was nearing 9:00 pm and Harry made a suggestion which he knew would enrage Snape, but he was bored. "Why don't we play truth or dare, Professor?" Snape looked at him with the expression he usually saved for first years who dared to answer him back. Ignoring the massive grin on Harry's face, he said very softly "No." "But I'm bored!" Harry complained. It was true, he had started counting the stones again and was halfway round the room when he had remembered the game of the previous Christmas. "Potter," Snape chose his words carefully, staring at Harry for his reaction, "I don't think you and I have ever really. sat down together and talked, have we?" He studied Harry's face very carefully. He saw a mixture of surprise, apprehension and wonder. "Erm. I don't really know what you mean, Professor." said Harry, deciding the apprehension was the best feeling for this situation, and wondering how to get out of it. "Oh, you know perfectly well what I mean, Potter!" snapped the teacher. "A." he seemed to be struggling to say the word. ".Heart-to-heart?" Harry decided he definitely DID NOT want a heart-to-heart with Snape. But, he was bored, and the only other option was to try and count every single greasy strand of hair on his teacher's head, so he reluctantly agreed. "OK" he said, cursing his own mouth for agreeing and Peeves for getting him into this mess in the first place.  
  
Hermione and Ron had forgotten about Harry. They were far too busy to think about things like that. 


	2. Snape's Confession

Chapter 2 - Snape's Confession  
  
After accidentally admitting to Professor Snape that he had a crush on Cho Chang from Ravenclaw, Harry swore to himself that he would keep his mouth shut. Until Snape started talking again, that was. "So, Potter," "You can call me Harry if you like, Professor" offered Harry kindly. "Thank you Po- I mean Harry. Anyway, as I was saying," "Can I call you Severus, sir?" "No, you certainly can not! And stop interrupting, Harry Potter." "Sorry." Interrupted Harry. Snape was getting very slowly pissed off. Through gritted teeth, he said "As I was saying." "What were you saying, sir?" Asked Harry with apparent interest. Snape exploded and took 20 points from Gryffindor. Harry decided to shut up. When Snape had calmed down, he continued. "Anyway, Potter," "You can call me Ha - Oops. Sorry Professor" "I. Will. Call. You. Potter. If. I. Want. To." Said the potions teacher, staring at Harry's blank face. (He was bored again and was concentrating on keeping his face straight) "Anyway, Potter, as I was trying to say about half an hour ago, if. if you wanted to ask me about your father - James, well, we were. we were at Hogwarts to-together. As students." Harry stared at his teacher. HE HAD TEARS IN HIS EYES!!! His first thought was 'I have a GAY teacher. who fancied my Dad?! Eww. That's almost as bad as what Hermione and Ron think I don't know.' But Snape continued: "I.I was very upset to hear that he'd died. I knew it was coming, of course, but I never really. expected it to happen. That was when I came back to this side." He broke off. Harry started to feel slightly sick. "But, Professor, I thought you hated my Dad" said Harry. "Well, yes, I did, after that match. and." Snape trailed off. "But he saved my life, didn't he. I was angry at him for dying, so I suppose I took it out on you." Harry listened, amazed. Was this Snape's version of an apology? Snape took a deep breath before continuing. "Harry, the reason I hated your father was because of that infernal quidditch match he beat me at. And the fact that he stole the beautiful. lovely. well. um." Snape blushed. "Your mother, Harry." Harry decided this was all too strange. "You?" he spluttered "You went out with my mum?!" "Yes." said Snape softly. "Yes, yes. I remember it well. Until your stupid father came along and took her off me." He spat the last sentence bitterly at Harry, who was still trying to recover from the shock of hearing that Snape could have been his dad.  
  
"YYYYYYYMCA!!!! It's fun to stay at the YYYY M C A-A!" Sang Hermione. She was drunk. So was Ron, it was his idea. Hermione had distracted Hagrid while Ron had stolen his Ogden's old Firewhisky and Mulled Mead. Giggling nervously, he tried to ask her to shut up in case a teacher heard, but her answer to that was to snog him and push him into the bath (A/N: they were in the prefect bathroom)  
  
At 10:00, Snape had finished telling Harry all about his mum. Harry was sitting opposite him with a traumatised look on his face. He really hadn't wanted to know what she was like in that much detail. He chanced a question to Snape: "Professor? Erm. Professor Snape, why do you hate me so much?" "Why do I hate you so much?" the potions teacher paused, thinking. "You want to know why I hate you? Well I suppose the answer is. I don't know." Harry's mouth fell open. Was that all the guy could come up with? "Is that all you can come up with, professor?" asked Harry. Snape seemed to be suffering some sort of internal struggle. All of a sudden, he burst out; "Potter, the reason I hate you is because you're famous!! Famous for doing nothing at all!!!!! I mean, all you do is be alive, for god's sake.! And, every year, without fail, blah, blah, you save the whole school! I mean. is it normal to defeat the dark lord for four years in a row?" "Oh yeah. I wondered about that." Said Harry thoughtfully. "And another thing." Continued Snape, "How come I never get any recognition?! I've saved your life twice now! If anyone should be famous, IT SHOULD BE ME!!" 'Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!' thought Harry. 'he's jealous!'  
  
At 10:30, Harry decided to hunt around for another way out, he was getting claustrophobic, and he was starving. After trying, and failing, to blast the chewing gum out of the door with his wand, woken Snape up and found out there was no food and no escape. Snape seemed to be bored and had gone into his office to write a letter, presumably his will, Harry thought. He decided to try and go to sleep. 


	3. Lovers in trouble

Chapter 3 - Lovers in Trouble  
  
He tried.  
  
He tried again.  
  
By 11:00, he had failed six times and was getting so tired he decided to ask Snape for some advice.  
  
Snape was asleep.  
  
Harry finally went to sleep in Snape's bed. (A/N: Not with him! Geez. My mind isn't that bad.)  
  
At midnight, Snape woke up from his (not very comfortable) desk, turned around and found Harry in his bed. He wondered why, briefly, and then stole the blanket and decided to use the unmade bed in his secret passage.  
  
At 4:00am, Ron and Hermione found themselves on the floor next to a swimming-pool sized bath, and couldn't remember a thing from the previous night.  
  
At 5:00am, Harry woke up and found himself in Snape's bed. At first he couldn't remember anything either. Then he remembered and decided to get up. He wondered where Snape was and hoped he had found a way out. He couldn't hear his snoring, anyway. Harry searched for Snape everywhere, came to the conclusion that he had not found a way out, unless it was a secret passage, and made two cups of tea with his wand, some teabags he found and some cups, in case Snape wanted some when he appeared. Suddenly part of the wall started quivering and vanished. Snape walked through, apparently unimpressed by its invisible properties. He started when he saw Harry drinking a cup of tea. "I made you one, too, Professor!" said Harry, brightly. "I don't drink tea." grumbled Professor Snape. Harry looked puzzled. "Why were there teabags in your desk, then, sir?" Snape panicked. He hoped Harry hadn't seen the bra in there. "They weren't teabags, you idiot!" Snape yelled. He yanked open the drawer, and saw, to his horror, that the bra was missing. "They were bra cups!" Harry hurriedly spat out his mouthful of tea. "What?!" he choked "Why the fuck do you have a brown, greenish-looking bra in your drawer?!" Snape went pink. It wasn't his fault the bra was in there, it was a painful reminder of that fateful first week as a teacher here. "Never mind" he said quickly.  
  
Meanwhile, Percy was waiting outside the prefect bathroom, now with Professor McGonagall to catch the culprit who had been singing so loudly and stayed there all night. He got a shock when Ron opened the door with his maroon jumper on back-to-front, closely followed by a giggling Hermione, who had her jeans on inside-out. Ron got a shock when he bumped straight into his older brother. His ears went pink. "Um. well. what it is, is." "Follow me, Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger!" said Professor McGonagall curtly. Ron blushed an even deeper shade of red - he hadn't noticed the strict head of Gryffindor standing there. "WHAT do you think you were doing?" shouted Professor McGonagall. "Miss Granger, I expect better of you! I was thinking of making you a prefect! Now I think I had better rethink my decision. What on earth were you doing in there all night?!" Hermione was still in a rather drunken state, and so answered, giggling, "I bet it's nothing you've not done, Professor!" Professor McGonagall swelled with anger and exploded, quite literally, in Technicolor. A lot of words came out of her mouth which even Ron hadn't heard before, and he was amazed. "Wow, Professor!" he said. "I never knew you knew so many rude things!" Professor McGonagall gritted her teeth and replied icily "It all comes, Weasley, of being a teacher and having to deal with people like YOU!!" Ron shut up at this point.  
  
"Haaa haa! I won!" yelled Harry. "Blast it." Muttered Snape. They were having a whistling competition, to the tune of 'The Great Escape', and Snape had run out of spit. (A/N: do you need spit to whistle? Oh well. Just nod and pretend you do.) Harry thought he had probably dribbled it all away during the night. The time was now 7:00, and Harry hoped that someone would notice they were missing soon. "Professor, what time do you usually turn up for breakfast?" asked Harry, casually. Snape consulted the clock and said "well. if you're wondering what time they'll notice I'm gone I'd say we've got about half an hour left. Meanwhile, you can help me clean my office, as you were the one who slept there after all. "oh yeah." said Harry, remembering. 


	4. The Last Chapter

Chapter 4 - The Last Chapter  
  
Dumbledore was sitting at the high table, wondering where his potions teacher was. He sent Colin Creevey, an enthusiastic boy, he thought, to check on where he was. Colin was extremely excited to have this important task, and set about it with great gusto. He made his way through the corridors until he found himself near the dungeons, and a strange sound met his ears. It sounded a bit like a cat being stepped on. As he approached the dungeon, he made out that it was someone singing 'Oh, why are we waiting?'. Actually it was two people, now having a competition to see who could sing the most out-of-tune. (A/N: Yup, you guessed it, it's Harry and Snape! :D) Colin knocked on the door eagerly, and was greeted by a scraping of chairs and sounds of people running. "Erm. Professor Snape? Are you in there?" called Colin nervously. "Um. can you unlock the door, please?" "I can't." said Professor Snape "It's jammed. Please, for god damn's sake! LET US OUT!!!" And he began rattling the doorknob with great ferocity. Colin was scared, and ran away. "Prof-Professor Dum-Dumbledore!" he gasped "There-there's a m-m-monster in the d-dungeons! It must have. it must have eaten Professor Sn-Sn-Snape!" If Professor Dumbledore was alarmed by this news, he didn't show it. He sighed at the first years' over-active imaginations. "Show me, please, Colin!" said the headteacher, wearily getting to his feet. Colin ran off again, with Dumbledore in pursuit, just as excitedly as before. They reached the dungeons, where Snape and Harry had been kept prisoner all night long, and Dumbledore removed the chewing gum at once. Snape leapt out and hugged his employer, much to the surprise and amusement of everyone present, except Dumbledore, who collapsed from a mixture of shock and the weight.  
  
The End PS. If you want to know, Dumbledore was ok. And Ron and Hermione both got owls sent home to their parents and they weren't allowed to speak to each other for a week. And that concludes my first ever fanfic. Wow. did I write all that? 


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